I am ~jaded~

I skipped class today.. something I’ve never done with such determination… and so much guilt that comes with it as well.

I woke up at 8. With the first thing on my mind like every other day for the past month… "maybe it’s better today…" and to my dismay, it hasn’t. In fact, it’s worse than ever!!… big big pimples…

AWwwww… i can’t go out like this… :(… then i go… don’t be silly!! I’m still the same person… priorities priorities!! I should go for class… okay… GO!

Then i showered and went outside to my wash basin where there’s better light. And.. UUgggghhh.. BIG BIG yellow pimples and RED RED inflammation… all of my previous determination to go for class shattered into bits along with my self-hyped confidence… NO WAY I’m going ANYWHERE today… or maybe tomorrow…… or forever…………

Mind as well stay at home and finish my assignments instead. At least i’ll be less guilty if i did some work instead of snoozing the whole afternoon again…

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Today’s Guan Yin’s festival. My family’s buddhist, so it’s a culture for us to celebrate by going vegetarian on every 1st and 15th of every month on the lunar calender. But for Guan Yin’s festival… we go on liquid diet instead… meaning, we do not take any solid food for the whole day. So, we’ll take a lot of soya milk and milk to keep ourselves full…

Good thing for me! Cos now I can just live in my own room. A few packets of soya milk and a big bottle of water with me… i only have to sneak out to the toilet! I had to wait till there’s no one outside before i dare leave my room!!! Not only i’m hiding from the public, now i even have to play hide-and-seek with my whole family! Shitzz… OGM! I’m so over-reacting!

I KNOW!!… but but but… i just don’t feel like seeing anyone or letting anyone see me for the matter… PLS… pimples, just go away!!

I’m suppose to join GM for badminton today. Actually, i have been looking forward to play some sports for awhile… but today, I think I’ll pass. Hope that he won’t merajuk on me…

I’m just waiting for my baby to come online… i don’t mind seeing him right now though… **webcam has low-res… he can’t see so clearly… kekeke…. but seeing him is always a comfort… sigh…

Do Pretty girls have more fun?

I have always been pretty contented with my features and looks. Of course, i do have my occasional complaints of blemishes and minor dissatisfaction with my weight…or the lack of it… But I was generally quite happy with myself. I’ve always enjoyed dressing up and putting on make-up and definitely enjoyed being NOTICED!! Not that i am all out to draw attention and compliments… just being girly… and I’ll confess… occasional head turns ARE flattering… it’s more like a dose of ego-boost!

**This - I dare to admit cos i know everyone secretly feels the same way! HAHAHAHahah

Well.. up till 2 months ago, my ego therapy took a 180′ turn when i start experiencing my first MAJOR breakouts.. at the age of 20!!!

I thought it was really nothing at first… maybe it’s because of my late nights… lack of liquid.. blah blah blah.. But the darn spots won’t quit on me. And now, my face is infested with spots which is really really gross. Everyday it gets worse and so does my mood, morale and confidence…

So, it becomes harder to stay positive and cheerful… I no longer feel like going out, meeting friends or even clubbing. And I dread the thought of putting on make up. I even have to start rejecting casting calls cos I am so sure that i will not get the job anyway… I even avoid looking into mirrors or any reflective surfaces.

I just can’t get the thoughts off my head and i became really really self conscious…

-times in the washroom when other girls stare at my pimple infested face through the reflection of the mirror

-times when someone speaks to me with their eyes fixed on my forehead instead of my eyes and the conversation always ends with, "what happen to your face?"

Sometimes, there are some who pokes fun at it during out whole conversation at the mamak… I tried not to react to it cos I know they don’t mean it in a bad way… they think it’s funny, but seriously.. it hurts inside.

hmm… yeah… it sucks… i do get depressed…

But then i realised… that my social life didn’t change a bit. I still have great fun and still get to go out as often with my friends!

One difference is - people around me shows that they care about what I am going through. They have not treated me differently nor avoided me in any way. Instead, they offer advices, help and encouragement! I couldn’t ask for more.

A friend said this to me, "you should be patient and careful not to aggravate your face condition. It’s just a small matter and won’t count as much as what you have inside which makes you look good."

Physical beauty is skin deep… Now i feel so much more comfortable being around my friends who have been so supportive and caring. And through this, i know that they are genuine and sincere at whatever they do. This makes our friendship so much more valuble and special.

So.. coming back to the title… Pretty girls have more fun?

Maybe I can judge from both sides… it’s really NOT true… To realise that I am accepted for who I really am on the inside and to be genuinely cared for is a whole new level of happiness!

Thank you for your support, it’s much easier to pull through now.

LDR - Long Distance Relationship - Keeping it alive!!

I am not sure if i am in a position to judge the chances of succeding in a long distance relationship, because my baby and I have only been apart for 3 and a half months. And i dare say that this period of time has given me more faith in our relationship  than any other time in the past 3 years of being together.

However, it saddens me deeply to know that there are so many failed relationships due to the barrier of distance - the thougth itself shakes my faith everytime. Fortunately for me… he is every reason for me to fight of temptations that come along. But how long will me defence last? This - I am less certain.

I am really enjoying my short break from a relationship. I still love my baby… dun be mistaken… it’s just that now i have the opportunity to explore and experience a different culture and definitely a wider social circle… something that i have never had!! I am having the time of my life!!

Now it sounds like i wanna be SINGLE and LDR fails for me too.

The thing is… my friends tell me… all that you need is LOVE and TRUST… i have to add another ingredient to LDR success… ACCEPTANCE!

There are several things which i have accepted to make my LDR easier to endure.

1. Both of us will have seperate lives - stop hanging on him for support, cos he has his own troubles and he really can’t do much from so far away. And never nag when he doesn’t call… really, he has got his own life for now… and I should have mine
2. Feelings WILL fade - not seeing each other will eliminate chemistry love all together. He is still the same person as the one I loved when I sent him off at the airport… so it’s not that I don’t love him anymore, just that my brain juice stopped telling me so!
3. He might find someone else - And so might I! Worrying about it will only create redundant stress and tension that will eventually lead to unnecessary fights and arguements… in which will push him further away and will turn the relationship sour.
4. There will be TEMPTATIONS!! - remember that I’ll not be tempted when he’s around… so I only feel this way because he’s away. Keep the competition FAIR! Wait for both parties to be at level ground. If temptation is sincere, he won’t mind waiting.

These are the few short mantras i keep the realationship alive. I do have to keep telling myself these self-made-phylosophies. In the end of the day, i am still a human after all!!

To stare temptation in the eye and look away is way more difficult than what i have expected it to be. But up till now, i am still able to say that my performance is - satisfactory.

I have to thank all my friends around me - especially my lovely lovely classmates for sticking with my when I am in doubt!. I love you ALL!

Hei hei everyone!

I was just wondering… why would they call this a personal space where as the very core of this concept(blog) is to share your thoughts and feelings to almost everyone!

Well… I have always thought of blogging as a silly idea. To expose oneself to everyone. But then again, there are certain point of time where i do want to tell the whole world of what i think and what i feel. Of course the choice of finding out is totally up to you! Then - maybe, just maybe blogging might be fun.

I hope you’ll have fun reading and sharing your ideas and thoughts with me as well!

xoxo